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Great match reports from last week!

10 months ago By Frank Barretta

What was the score today? the time, tell me the score. It's 10-2. NO, I don't need to know the time...


Old Thorntonians 1 - COXA 4 (AET)

Long story short... 1 nil down at half time, a little disjointed but a battling performance. Changes at half time and mid way through second half and a reshuffle of the deck, Pems up top, Milner making a first appearance of the season and the midfield and attacking line buzzing with Manny, Arek, Tyler, Pems, Charlie, Milner, Rocky = rampage on the Old Thorntonians back line. Equaliser in the last 5 (Milner assist, don't care who scored lol), on to extra time. The reshuffle back 3 unbreakable, quick fire to 3-1, Pems and Charlie sublime and a 4th for good measure.

Peace we out!


2-0 Old Thorntonians 5's



Joe McLoughlin, Stan Christoforou, Dom Taggart, Dom McLoughlin, Conor Keable, Jacob Browne, Ben Dakin, Tom Macgregor, Karl Velinor, Luke Michael, Josh Ewin. Issac Harold Rich Williams

This was a poor showing from the 3's. The oppo had decided pre kick off that they were going to park the bus, they had seen how many goals we had scored this season and told us after the game there was no point coming here to lose 8-0. I hope this is the last team that comes to Southfields and plays like this because it was an incredibly boring game of football. The oppo sat with 10 men behind the ball for the whole game and our keeper Joe did not make one save. At one point keyboard was doing step-overs in an attempt to lure the oppo forward, midway through the second half a frustrated Ben Dakin screamed 'someone tackle him!' when we had the ball at the back, but the oppo were not interested.

Obviously, the oppo didn't realise that if you sit behind the ball and let Jacob have 20 shots from distance, one of them will fly in. So, as he has done so many times this season, Jacob scored a banger and we went 1-0 up. This didn't change the oppo's tactics though, they continued to keep 10 men behind the ball and we continued to knock the ball around and create chances, over the course of the 90 mins we must have created close to 30 chances. It was one of those games in which we had so much time and space that our play had no intensity or pace so we struggled to put the game to bed. One bright spark was Luke Michael on the left wing, Southfields really suits his game as he has a lot of pace and is a powerful dribbler, he worked hard going forward and tracking back, he put one on a plate for me in the second half but I fluffed my shot and the ball rebounded to Josh, who then blasted the ball at me as I couldn't get out of the way in time, this is futbol.

We finally went 2-0 up through another long range effort, this time from Ben Dakin, Ben has scored many important goals for the Clapham so it was good to see him back on the score sheet after a month out with a cracked rib. This biggest talking point of the second half was the return of Rich Williams aka the white Anichebe who made his first COXA appearance of the season. The fox in the box had a couple of chances in the last half an hour but couldn't manage to get his name on the scoresheet. Overall, there wasn't much to report from this game, we got the job done and we got a clean sheet so we cant complain too much but we need to work on breaking teams down that sit back all game, we were lucky we were at Southfields, if it was a boggy farm pitch this could have been a different game..

We then made our way to the Earlsfield, where Chelsea lost the early game, Palace missed a last min pen in the 3 o'clocks and Newcastle lost in the 5:30 so that meant the whole squad were drowning their sorrows, thank God for the Clapham.


Tiffinians II 2-10 COXA IV

What was the score today? the time, tell me the score. Its 10-2. NO, I don't need to know the time... (I could go on all day). Chortle.

Penultimate game before Christmas, Clapham found them selves playing in sub zero, blinding sunshine conditions in Hampton Court vs today's opponents, Old Tiffinians. Oh...I do love me some Tiffin.

Which gets me onto my first point. We shout stuff like..come on clapham, come on Coxa. They just shouted PURPLE or PURPS really loudly. No 'come on' before it. Odd.

So, first fun thing to happen was an offside that no one heard the whistle apart from the keeper who had ran out to clear. Stopping in his tracks, the rest of the Coxa team looked on in horror as the striker took the ball and scored. Dont know what you were all worried about. That was probably the only time we saw the goalkeeper in that half.

Jimbo cleared the ball off the line to scare Clapham but that just pushed them up a gear. Scoring 4 first half goals. The pick of the bunch was a long kick from Rich, to which Harmer controlled it on his chest and with his next touch pushed it to Smiddy Jr, who with his first touch flicked it over the defender into the gap for James to latch onto and hammer home low and hard. Terrific move.

Its often a lonely job being a goalie, especially when your attention starts to drift off to other things. There was a lovely Geese formation in the sky and a great try being scored on the rugby pitch opposite. Whilst I'm on the subject of RUGBY (something this match reporter knows all about), lol at Rich Smith for being told off by the oppo keeper for taking a wee on the kids rugby pitch. Naughty.

Concentration was the main talking point in the half time what did we go an do??? Lose our concentration and concede 2 stupid goals. Queue an angry 4 letter tirade from normally tranquil Clapham goalkeeper. Say what you did force Clapham in to getting going again. That, and the arrival of the substitute Alex Turner. More on him later.

Its that time of the match report to talk about a player. You all know him and we all love him. You will all be singing the jingle right now, if you were there when Adam asked about it (finally), its my Jay Buckerfield moment of the week. (Little aside...that whilst writing this, I love that my phone has a Buckerfield autocorrect). And once again its that man Jay that wins it. It was an array of moments this week and I will highlight them Firstly as we are warming up....a late Jay Buckerfield running across fields with a tesco carrier bag was a great start. Now, this might cause a stir...but my Jay Buckerfield moment of the week ISNT the moment in the first half when he breaks clear of the defenders and whilst in the penalty area goes down under NO CHALLENGE. Unless there was a ghost that tackled him. He used that brilliant trick to confuse the defender and create a goalscoring opportunity for Clapham. This week, the award goes to....Jay Buckerfield in the second half, with the ball at his feet close to the right touchline with back to goal and striker baring down, he nonchalantly scoops the ball with the outside of his right foot over the onrushing strikers foot. He then precedes the kick the ball out of play. Totally magically but once again...totally pointless.

With the formalities out the way...let's get back to the man. The hero. Alex Turner. At 4-2, tiffin (yum) are back in the game and are on the hunt for goals. Alex doesn't like that. So what does Alex do??? He rifles a left footed sweeping half volley into the top bins. Had enough have you?? Oh...too bad...up pops Turner again with a poked finish for his second. Insert Simpsons gif *stop it...he's already dead* as Turner finishes them off with a tap in to complete a truly wonderful trick of hats.

There was still time for Smiddy Jr to score Ballotelli style but with his willy instead of his shoulder. They all count right, Smiddy.

Great effort from all the lads, none more so than Tommy 'Pirlo' Calkwell who was knocking in corners like the beautiful maestro.

Markus would have got a good mention but he wore gloves so...I'm not going to mention his name in this round up. OH SHIT..

I just did it anyway.

Great way to take some momentum into the last game of 2017.

I'm off to bake a wish me luck. Stay safe and don't take sweets from strangers. Or get in the back of their vans. No matter how many Pokémons they say they have got.

Does anyone have the time?

MOTM Alex Turner

Report by Rich Critchlow

Updated 22:16 - 1 Jan 2018 by Frank Barretta


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Sun 2 Nov
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